Dedicated to the forgotten and future versions of ourselves… Woman, man, boy or girl. I hope that by offering up these simple and humble words, you find something to identify with, to love yourself for, to do better, to try, or dream. Happy Sunday~
Aspirations. Dreams. Goals. Hopes. When I was a young girl, I had these, and they were so grand. If I had been smart, I would have written them all down and followed through, formulated the hows and whens and whys to get there. So here I sit at 41, kind of wondering now, would it really have made the difference?
I can tell you now, that perhaps that letter to myself, that map of dreams, is so far from center and true and right than I could have ever imagined. That damned ol’ hindsight…
Would I have continued on had I known it would be so different than that of which I envisioned? Regardless, I did. And this is my life made up of these series of choices, changed lanes and junctures in the road. But had I known then what I know now, what would I change and do differently?
I wished I could have known that life would move me in ways unfathomable; that it would blindside me and confuse me and hurt. But that it would also be so beautiful and inspire me in ways I never knew possible, and I that I let each sunrise and sunset breathe new air into my lungs.
I wished I could have known that I’d love people thinking I would always get that in return; that I would love people that I would someday lose; that people would hurt, disappoint, and change. But, I loved them anyway, and I gave it my best shot, and that love always finds a way back.
I wished that I had known I would someday be the bad person, the one that hurts others; that I would be alone and lost and so damn unsure, and that I would be so exhausted by the chaos of it all, I couldn’t always see the light; that the mistakes I make cost others in ways I couldn’t and wouldn’t know until it was too late. But, I made them anyway, and I learned from them, and that forgiveness from others and myself should never be taken for granted, and that I learned to tread easy.
I wished that I had known there were events in life that I would never quite come to terms with, that the answers that I sought were not always the ones I wanted to find. Or, that I would need to find closure on my own without taking the easy way. But, that letting go was never quite as hard as I made it to be, and when I finally looked up from the search to the hows and whys, peace was there.
I wished that I had known that loving others was going to be easier than loving myself, inwardly as much as outwardly; that I would struggle every time I looked in the mirror accepting myself; that I tried to be a copy of society’s perfect human picture. But, once I learned to love my flaws, it reflected in other areas of my life, making that acceptance just a little easier.
I wish I could know that the best of life is truly yet to come; that serving others, being selfless, making mistakes, finding faith, and loving with all I have would make this crazy, messy, unpredictable life all that more beautful; that I survived it with some scrapped together grace and dignity, and that I left the world a better place for it.
Someday, I will reread this. It will remind of the marks I made and missed. I will be remembering words I had forgotten. But, may I not be wishing I had done one thing differently. Here’s to living authentic and hoping you remember your forgotten words, too.