Marital Advice

Since both my brothers have decided to get hitched as of recent, I felt the need to bestow upon them my vast wealth of marital knowledge… Ha! Here goes nothing.

Marriage is a relationship in which one of you is always right and the other is the husband.  There are days that she will make about as much sense to you as going to McDonald’s for a salad, but deal with it.  She will have endless amounts of beauty supplies sprawled across your side of the bathroom counter.  (The amount of beauty supplies will increase with age.)  She will always find you attractive with a dishrag in your hand and asking her what she would like for dinner.  She will steal covers and put her cold feet on your backside.  Don’t ever act like you just cleaned the whole house when all you did was take out the trash.  Compliment her.  She knows she’s chunky when she’s chunky; love her anyway.  Go to the gym with her. There will be days you feel like poisoning her coffee, and there will be days you wish you would have just drank it instead.  She will not always shave her legs; in fact, this becomes rarer after children.  When she sends you on errands, do it right for goodness sake.  She doesn’t need the 3rd string quarterback picking out the wrong peanut butter.  Never count on your furniture being in one place for too long; when left to her own devices, she will change it. Frequently, the middle of your sentence will be interrupted with the beginning of hers.  That’s your cue to stop talking.  Don’t ever say you have to use the restroom when she asks you to do dishes.  Don’t give her “the look” when she pulls into a parking space like she owns the joint.  When shopping, don’t make her feel like you would if you were hunting with the game warden.  She will always worry about money, where you are, why you’re late, and the spot on the carpet she can’t get out.  Her mind is like an internet browser with forty-five tabs open at once.  There will be times you think she is completely crazy, but remember, you wanted to marry her!  Love her more than you do the dog, your truck, and bacon, because there isn’t much she wouldn’t do for you; after all, she said, “Yes”.  When you look back twenty years from now, remember how much fun you had annoying each other and promise to do it for thirty more.

~Happy Trails